SHUTING.190392
In a state of Denial, ...
Posted on: 2009-09-08
Posted at: 00:30
A phrase used to described someone who refuses to accept the truth.Posted at: 00:30
Loh Shu Ting is in a state of Denial. I am someone who refuses to accept the truth/reality.
Holidays arrived like a late Christmas gift. Nonetheless, it is still much of a blessing, to me! During Saturday, I experienced a traumatized experience, having to accept the fact that I sucked at memorizing. Holding that in mind, I stepped into a losing battle. The night before, I cried very hard, it felt like someone stabbing right into my lungs. At that very moment, my lungs went punctured, my breathing seemed to stop. I did something unusual. I hated myself. I hated myself for being stupid. I can't help but bring out the anger and stupidity of myself in me. I needed to release what I felt inside of me. When it's all over, I was hit by the car the second time. My heart flung into pieces. Nothing but to accept the truth and be honest about it.
The very night, I took a flu pill. Eat. Ate. Slept. I did not pray to God. I was too lazy, too engrossed over my sorrowfulness to bother to pray, or ask Him what's happening to me. I didn't attend Sunday service. I had a nice sleep that very day. I haven't slept so well ever since I entered junior college. When I wake up, it seemed like MAGIC. Everything that happened right from the start of junior college seemed to vanish away. I seemed to have forgotten all the pain I went through in my life. Even the pain I can felt every single day from Mrs Lim harsh words that once used to be engraved in my heart, become emptied. The dilemma I used to face when attending floorball. The lessons which seemed like a torture. Everything seemed to have faded away... Even though the memories are still there, it seemed more like a dream to be now. More than never before. Everything seemed like it happen but it's just a dream. It don't matter much anymore because it felt like it never happen before. It feels like a brand new life ahead of me yet what I feel differs. My mind stopped in my secondary school days. The days where never in my life felt so carefree, so innocent, so pure, so worry-free, so laid-back, so relaxed, so myself. I was living a life on what I wanted. A life where unhappiness doesn't exists. Till today, I realized I was so happy back then. I wanted to keep this feeling inside me, and I'm worry as it seemed to be fading away. Today at library, I quickly thought of what could possible make me happy, and wrote them down! I worry they might lost their way. This precious feeling of mine, it's something that I want to find back in my life. Reality hits in, the pursue of the old heart cannot fits into my new life.
The only thing is : Don't Look Back In Anger. ( By Oasis)
I remember crying in the MRT while listening to this song. It reminds me of my journey up till now. I bitterly bit my lips, stand strong, stand tall, and cross the paths which weren't meant for me. I tell myself, I shouldn't look back in anger, and wipe the tears off my cheeks.
Credits
You have my thanks